I think I was
about fourteen when I first realised that my cousin was gay. It wasn't
some incredible earth-shattering revelation rather knowledge that crept up on
me and didn't change things at all, Michael was Michael my cousin and my best
friend. Strictly speaking Michael wasn't my cousin at all, his parents and my
parents were close friends and I always called Michael's Mum and Dad Auntie
and Uncle so by default that made him my cousin.
Michael was
born in the June and I the following November. This five month age difference
put us in different year groups at school although as we lived in different
boroughs we went to different schools anyway. After primary school Michael
went to Lansdale Comp in Birmingham while I went to the local grammar school
in the adjoining town of Sutton Coldfield. During our childhood years
our parents were always in one another's houses so Michael and I played
together a lot. Once we were older and had bikes we would cycle to meet
up, go fishing and have all kinds of adventures together.
Then when I
was fourteen I realised that Michael was gay. When I was fifteen I began
to think that I was as well but it took another seven years before I both
asked Michael about hi sexuality and did something towards confirming my own.
Seven long years of developing curiosity and naive misunderstanding.
When he was
nineteen Michael got a job as a check-in clerk with a major world
airline and two years after that graduated to become cabin crew. That
promotion for Michael was life changing for us both. As a perk of his job
Michael was given an allotted number of free flights each year. He
always shared these with me so with rucksacks on our backs we went to India,
Australia, Thailand and the USA. It was on a visit to New York that I
decided it was time to find out more about being gay.
In all our
years of friendship Michael had never tried anything on with me. Even
though we shared a room on our trips abroad we always slept in our underpants
and I had seen my cousin naked and I was far too shy to allow him to see me.
I has a secret I was going to have now to share with him if I wanted to widen
my horizons and it would not be an easy secret to unburdon.
We had flown
into JFK early in day and taken the transfer bus to Manhattan where we booked
into a backpackers hotel. We then took the subway down to Battery Park
and the ferry to the Statue of Liberty. We walked all the way back along Wall
Street and then Broadway. we found an Irish Bar where we ate steak and
Guinness pie before returning to the hotel. All day I had been psyching
myself up, this was going to be the day - the day I would ask my cousin what
it meant to be gay. Yes, I would ask him even if it meant that my secret
would ultimately have to be shared.
The Carter
Hotel is a seedy dump where the New York Fire Department is on constant stand
by to free trapped guests from the ancient elevators. Thirty floors high
with the hot water unable to reach bathrooms above the tenth floor and the air
conditioning plant on the roof failing to stretch effectively down any lower
than the fifteenth. But where else can you stay on Manhattan Island for
$45 per room per night ? that's $22.50 each or about 312 Sterling.
God you couldn't even pitch a tent in England for that !
We were on
the twelfth floor so after a cold shower we lay on top of our beds wearing
only our underpants and trying as best we could to take advantage of any
breeze, however slight, the air conditioning may distain to offer.
"Michael
?" I began. Yes, I would ask him.
"Yep,"
he answered casually.
I lay on my
back with my hands behind my head. Strangely some words from Shakespeare
came into my mind, something I remembered from an English lesson at school
when Lady Macbeth says: ...screw your courage to the sticking point and we
shall not fail ! Screwing ? I wasn't sure if that was an appropriate
word for what I wanted to say but screwing up my courage I blurted out:
"Michael, what's it like to be gay ?"
There I'd
said it. All I had to do now was to listen to the answer. But it
wasn't the kind of answer I had anticipated.
"Now
there's a question," Michael replied. "You know I've
been wondering for ages when you would get round to asking."
I drew breath
sharply. "But...."
I had
wondered many, many times what my cousin's reply would be but he hadn't
actually replied at all. His insight showed something I had not
considered.
"Thing
is Jim, do you mean what is it like for me to be gay ?" He
continued. "Or what would it be like for you to be gay ?"
"Neither
really," I mumbled. "Just what's it like to be gay
?"
Michael
rolled on his bed, propped himself up on an elbow and looked at me.
"I'm not sure I can answer that," he smiled. "I
mean it's like asking a black guy what it's like to be black or a white guy
what it's like to be white. If you are asking me personally,
specifically then I would say to you that I am very happy with my sexuality
and wouldn't have it any other way."
Michael
paused but I did not interrupt the silence. "What you are really
asking," he continued, "is what would it be like for you to be
gay."
I nodded
shyly and lowered my eyes to avoid meeting his.
"We've
been best mates since we were born so I know, have always known that you are
like me. I am right aren't I, you are gay ?"
"Yes,"
I said - my eyes still lowered. "I think so. I've never told
anyone before."
"Well
Jim you are coming out to me now."
I wasn't sure
what he mean by that. "But there's a problem," I
blushed, "a physical problem."
I raised my
eyes and saw that Michael appeared puzzled, he invited an explanation. I
had come this far and was not going to hold back by secret any longer.
"I've only got a small dick," I blurted out.
Then gushed
forth years of pent up worry. I told Michael how showers after games at
school were mandatory, even into the sixth form. I told him how I had
been one of the first in our class to sprout hairs round my bollocks, how when
other guys had bald little willies they made fun of how mine had grown fat.
then when they entered their own adolescence they teased me when they overtook
me in size saying I was stunted.
"I want
to be gay," I babbled, "but any guy I go with will only laugh
at the size of my williy !"
Michael swung
his legs over the side of the bed and sat facing me. In my excitement I
had jumped up and was kneeling on my bed. My cousin held up his hands in
a gesture to silence me.
"Being
gay isn't about the size of your dick," he said ever so kindly.
"So how big is your willy ?"
"I know
exactly how big it is," I told him with confidence.
"I've measured itr. nTow inches when soft and five when it's
hard."
"And you
are uncut ?"
I didn't know
what he meant.
"You
haven't been circumcised have you Jim ? You've still got your foreskin
?"
"Yes."
"And
when you get an erection that foreskin stays over the head ?"
I looked
puzzled.
"It
doesn't pull back down the shaft and let the head pop out on its own."
"No, of
course not." I then added, "Should it ?"
"For
most guys it does but there are thousands, no millions, like you and me for
whom that does not happen. A tight foreskin limits how far a dick can
grow. If you'd been circumcised as a baby you'd have a bigger dick than
you have got now. me / Well I'd keep my tight foreskin and have a
small dick any day."
Was it true
what he was saying ? And was he like me ? Was it true there were
millions of guys who didn't have dicks like Tarzan ? What had I been
worrying about for the past god knows how many years ? No, I would have
liked to be circumcised. I had seen circumcised guys in the showers at
school and some looked as if they had the end chopped off with a pair of rusty
nail clippers !
"Would
it help," Michael was saying, "if I showed you my dick ? I've
been having sex with it since I was fourteen and the size hasn't let me down
yet !"
I was still
trying to take in the implications of Michael's earlier words it took me a
moment to comprehend his offer. I tried to explain that was great but I
wasn't asking.
"I know
what you mean," Michael smiled, "and I'm not trying to come on to
you."
I wished he
was.
With that
Michael stood up and the next thing I knew his pants were round his ankles. Wow
! He was about the same size an I was, indeed we looked like
brothers save that Michael had blond pubes and mine are a dark brown.
"See how
similar we are," Michael said pulling his pants back up and sitting down
again. "Feel any better now ?"
I did.
I wanted to show him my dick and confirm matters but right at that moment it
did not feel appropriate.
"Five
and a half inches is average," Michael was explaining. "So if
you and me are each five inches who is going to quibble about half an inchg
each ? And tell me, now we have got that out of the way, wjhat makes you
think that you are gay ?"
I knew the
answer without having to think. "I dream of sex," I explained,
"but I know I could never go with a girl, they just don't turn me
on."
My cousin
nodded understandingly. "But boys do."
"Yes."
"Sounds
pretty conclusive. But you've never been with a guy, never done anything
?"
I shrugged my
shoulders. "To be perfectly honest with you I don't think I would
know what to do."
Michael's
smile widened.
Then with
another burst of courage I said, "Would you show me what to do ?"
I was
nervous, no I was scared - petrified but not for a moment did I hesitate in my
quest. All those years of nervous doubt and wondering were about to be
brought to an end. Michael stood up, dropped his pants for a
second time and moved onto my bed. he was no longer soft and limp but
solid in erection. I had never seen my cousin naked before that night
and this was the first time I had seen another guy with an erection.
Even though I knew he was gay I had never thought of him naked, not until now
- how beautiful he was.
Michael
steered me to lay flat on my bed then slipped my own pants down and away.
I lay there naked, breathing deeply and with a heart beating so fast I thought
it would burst.
"Relax
and enjoy this Jim," Michael said. "Relax and enjoy."
He moved my
legs apart then knelt between them, his hands rested on my stomach. Then
gently, oh so gently they were barely touching my skin, he slid them upwards
to caress my chest before gliding down again. Michael stopped short of
my pubic hair line only to move upwards again. This time he began to
play with my nipples, tracing round with a single finger on each hand.
Every hair on my body stood out straight and electricity sparked up and down
my spine. As\ if by form of instinct my fists balled and gripped
the bedclothes. My back arched and I closed my eyes.
Michael
planted a kiss in the centre of my chest, then one lower and lower again.
Finally he kissed the top of my cock and I cried out with delight. those
gentle hands which had earlier been caressing my body now gave their attention
to my manhood. Their fingertips twisted in and out of my hair, they
cupped my balls and held my now solid shaft. It fitted so perfectly
inside Michael's fist.
My emotions
were bursting and I wanted to hold Michael. he anticipated my desire,
rolled me slightly onto my side then lay next to me pressing his body hard
against my own. our cocks, so uniquely matched, rested againt each
other. I enjoyed the experience then moved my hand between us in a
voyage of discovery. To feel another man's cock is a million times more
sensual that touching ones own. I held it in my fist then used my
fingers to explore the foreskin which was like my own. How glad I was
that I hadn't been circumcised as a young infant.
My balls felt
as if they were about to explode. Michael returned me to lay on my back
and once more positioned himself between my legs. he leaned forward to
take my cock in his mouth. Instinctively I rested a hand on his head to
push him towards me. My cock was the perfect size to fit inside his
mouth. His lips closed tightly about it while his tongue moved to caress
and stroke. Again my eyes closed and my fists snatched at the bed
clothing.
I knew i was
going to cum. Michael began to suck furiously inducing an explosion
which filled his mouth with my man-juice. I cried out in delight.
As soon as I
was spent Michael sat on top of my hips, he tucked his legs under mine and
began to wank. i reached out to replace his hand with my own, gripping
hid cock and pumping for all I was worth. he spat out a volcano of fire
that landed on my chest.
Finally he
panted, "How was that ?"
I smiled.
"Amazing."
"No
problem with dick sizes ?"
"None at
all."
"Excellent.
Rest for a while and then I'll show you something else you can do with that
dick of your. remember the best gifts always come in the small
packages."
"Yes
please," I said. "But how can you expect me to rest after that
?"
"Well if
you are ready ....."
I was ready !
